June

One good thing about this job,most everyone gets the month of their choice off in the summer. It has always been a dream of mine,and finally after 10 years,I got to take the whole month of June off.I wish I had more to report,but I only checked one thing off the bucket list.....

I got off nicotine lozenges. Once and,god willing,for all.I thought it would be 2 or 3 days of excruciating anxiety and then I'd enjoy my vacation/layoff. No such luck. In fact, I haven't had any nicotine since May 29,and I still feel pretty disoriented most of the time.


But at least when I celebrate one year smoke free,I'll be nicotine free as well. I really thought I'd be stuck on those forever,so I'm grateful to be rid of them.

Getting off the nicotine is really eye opening.I thought it would be easy to let it go,but everything feels very skewed in my head. I have walked an awful lot this past month,not much hiking,though.There's a road that goes through the woods leading to some trails and a park. Mostly I stay on the road.Even on the road I see neat things,occasionally. I saw my first deer while out on the trail. I see them all the time in my car,but never onfoot. I walked by very slowly and it didn't run off. I also saw my friend the scarlet tanager numerous times,which brought me great joy. They are lovely birds,and I never see them at my feeder.

While gardening I got a chance to photograph a snake in the grass,and if I ever get my new computer hooked up-I'll upload and post it.Looks like it came out good,but it's hard to tell on that tiny screen. Finally planted a butterfly bush this year. A guy I work with had a heart attack and died,45 years old. On the way home from the funeral I stopped and got the bush.Kind of a memorial,but also I've wanted one for a long time,and have been putting it off. So I got 2 things off the bucket list.

All in all,the past month has been like a long dream,a restless night,a series of confusing interuptions in an otherwise pleasant spring.I am absolutely not looking forward to going back to work July 1st.At the same time,it's good to have a relatively secure job in these times.

Tomorrow I celebrate 14 years without a drink. Finally I understand what my friend told me on my 6th anniversary,that I am still very new. I will always be a day away from active alcoholism,and i try to keep in mind that it's never a done deal,always the monster sleeps in my mind,far back in a dark corner,but there,nonetheless. Waiting for a chance that I pray it never gets to emerge and destroy everything.